Memories

All my memories are quiet faint until something comes along and pushes then back up into my brain.

My dad was playing these old songs the other day and I made me remember how those were my favorite songs. Just listening to those song brought back the good memories of me dancing and watching the music video almost everyday. I really loved to dance. I still really love to dance but I remember that those were the times when I first started dancing. The songs that inspired me to dance today.

My sister just started playing the piano. I gave her all my old books I used to use. When she started playing from my books, it reminded me of the days I first started playing piano. I can see my writing all over my old music. I realized that I used to write the dates of when I started learning a piece on the front page of every piece. I totally forgot that I used to do that, but I'm glad that I did because now when I look back at that music, it reminds me of that specific date. I started writing the starting date on my pieces once again in hopes that one day I'll enjoy looking back at the wonderful memories that the music gave me.

Today I turned on the TV and as I was flipping through the channels, I noticed Calliou was on. This was my favorite cartoon when I was in elementary school and all the memories rushed back to me. I remember how everyday right after I came home from school, I would sit on the couch with my sister who wasn't in school yet, and we would watch together and pretend like I'm Calliou and she would be Rosy. I also remember how she every single day she would accidentally pee on the couch as we were watching and that was my drama for the day.

These memories make me laugh, and I get really excited when small things make good memories come back to me.

Fire

I yearn for moments of calmness and concentration. I yearn for quite alone-time. I never seem to get that when I'm at home; there's a fire burning every night. The flames spread so fast and can't run away in time. The flames engulf me and I can't breathe. 

I try not to get involved in the conflict, but somehow the feeling of anger comes upon me. Saying anything would add wood to the fire. Even the closed doors of my room can’t keep away the fire. It takes away my mind and heart and all I can think about is the red hot fire. And then I wonder why I never get my work done. I keep telling myself to ignore and concentrate on what’s important, but it’s like someone threw gasoline on me and I just can’t escape the feeling of anger and sadness.

There’s usually no good reason to start the fire; it has just become our daily routine. The habit that’s so hard to get rid of. I thought it was just a home thing, but I realized it’s affecting my whole life. I feel like I’m stupid and people tell me I should study more. But I just can’t, no matter how hard I try. Of course I want to study, and I want to do well in school, but to do that I need concentration and I need time and I need support. I can’t get any work done when there’s constant screaming going on, or slamming doors and stomping.

The people who tell me to study just don’t understand that they’re lucky to get that opportunity I wish I had. But in the end, I just tell them “Ya, I guess I’m just stupid then”. And my tears wash away those hopes and desires and reputation of what I want to be.